I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
