Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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