dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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