at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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