Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
