We're facebook friends in real life
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Small penises have feelings too.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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