I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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