i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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