It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
