Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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