I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
