you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
