dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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