I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
