Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
