I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
