So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
