Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
