so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
