If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
