allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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