she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Gay?
German.
Pity.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
