Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
sex in a hospital.. check
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
