You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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