i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
