At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
