Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
