I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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