That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I need to sanitize my soul.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
