I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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