Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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