He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
