dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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