so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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