conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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