Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
