today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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