Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
