Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
