I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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