I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
