hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
