i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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