I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
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