Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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