Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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