I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
