I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I wish you could order shots online.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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