I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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