I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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