a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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