i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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