How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
