A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
