as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
