What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Can Purell be used as lube?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
