No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
