life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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