explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
So vagazzling was a success
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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