I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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