After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
i now understand why vodka
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
