I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
