I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize