If i come over, it means nothing
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Im part way to drunk.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
