An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
