Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
